XPW FreeFall

Sometimes, I hate wrestling

Scott Snot vs Vinny Massaro
Ever wanted to hear a joke beaten into the ground? At the start of this match, commentator Kriss Kloss doesn't know who Massaro is, so only refers to him as "Spagettios" for the whole match, despite his name being announced by the ring announcer. This isn't very good, as Snot is pretty poor. A poor bump off a Massaro kick sees him getting booed, and his offence is weak, including a soft looking bulldog. Massaro is better, with non-flashy, but effective moves, and he nicely folds up Snot on a belly-to-back suplex. Snot gets 2 on a Tomikaze, but Massaro picks up the win with a swank pump handle pile driver.

Evan Karagias vs Psychosis
Karagias is brought out as the new client of heel manager Kevin Kleinrock as his other client, the prissy Preston Ascott III is injured. Despite this, Karagias wrestles like a face, hitting a plancha after Psychosis bails to the floor, whilst Psychosis wrestles like a heel, hitting a low blow to take over, then picking up Karagias at 2 on a pin. Baffling. They then switch rolls, with Karagias doing a sexy dance to rile the crowd. Decent German suplex by Karagias. This is pretty sloppy on the part of both however, they just don't seem to be in tune. Nutty bump from Psychosis, as he slingshots from the ring to the floor with an elbow drop. The end sees Kleinrock distract Karagias by offering him a chair as he goes to the top. This allows Psychosis to recover and throw him from the top, before hitting a top rope legdrop to win. A bit of a letdown, as I hoped Psychosis could get something out of Karagias.

D vs Pogo the Clown
D comes to the ring slapping hands with the fans...then cuts a promo slagging them off, as no-one in XPW fucking understands heels and faces in wrestling. Kriss Kloss seems shocked by the wrestling "skills" of Pogo, as he throws some shitty armdrags. Despite Pogo's ineptness, this turns into a presentable big-vs-little match, as all Pogo has to do is stand there whilst the more able D throws himself at the clumsy clown. Pogo is in control following a missed D splash, before the ring gets surrounded by a group of unknown guys. Pogo and D both wield chairs to protect themselves, before D "shockingly" turns on the man he's just been fighting. This is all set up for an invasion storyline with D's old SCCW promotion. Of course, Kloss being the worst commentator ever puts over the threat of this new union by referring to them as jobbers and backyarders. Match was watchable, almost solely due to D.

Kaos vs Angel
Kaos is defending his TV title here in a gauntlet, and is accompanied by his stablemates GQ Money and Veronica Caine of the Enterprise. Despite a little hesitancy between both guys, this is worked at a good pace and is a decent little match. A crossbody to the floor by Angel is particularly good before Kaos wins with a piledriver from a powerbomb position. What is less good is that Angel's "hardcore homo" gimmick allows Kloss to crack "hilarious" gay jokes on commentary.

Kaos vs Chris Hamrick
In a terrible display of booking, the heel is at a disadvantage due to having just wrestled. Hamrick uses his veteran skills and freshness to dominate before a trademark bump through the ropes. He then takes another, more nuts bump by flipping backfirst onto the floor when dropkicked off the apron. Kaos wisely works over the back by whipping Hamrick into the railings, but Hamrick recovers and in a big spot hits a Van Terminator across the ring to dropkick a chair into the face of Kaos, who is still on the floor outside. Hamrick is doing everything he can to make this match memorable. The top rope legdrop only gets two. GQ Money takes advantage of a ref distraction to knock Hamrick off the top rope, and Kaos nails a top rope gourdbuster for the win. Easily the most entertaining match of the card thus far.

Kaos vs NOSAWA
NOSAWA schools the exhausted Kaos for a bit, before Kaos decides to totally non-sell his previous matches, and bounds around the ring, springboarding hither and thither. This match is an utter mess, with outside interference and belt shots in front of the ref, who seemingly couldn't care less. Kaos gets a blockbuster to win this gauntlet.

Juventud Guerrera vs Mosco De La Merced
This match is set up by Juvi turning on his La Familia stablemates (Psychosis, Halloween, Damien 666 and Merced) to join Rob Black's Black Army faction. This is all Juvi early on, even getting the highspot with a big plancha. The face Merced does get his own spot to shine, with a nutty diving swanton to the floor. Juvi nails two powerbombs and a weak chairshot, but these two don't seem to be clicking. A swift Juvi Driver ends a total squash.

Veronica Caine vs Lizzy Borden
Fuck me, Kloss makes the WORST fucking noises every time he sees a woman, making groaning noises like a confused virgin. This is a buck naked lumberjack paddle match, with the aim being to strip your opponent totally naked. Both are heels, accompanied by heel stables at ringside (the Black Army for Borden, the Enterprise for Caine). Rob Black bans the Enterprise from ringside, before we get to this appalling match. Weak wrestling starts off before it devolves to it's natural state as a catfight. The bout clearly only exists for titilation, with the crowd knowing that Black being a pornographer means there is a very good chance of actually seeing someone naked. But no, as Borden is about to remove Caine's top, the lights go out to a big groan from the crowd and they come back on to find Caine gone. Terrible booking. Afterwards, GQ Money cuts a promo lambasting the crowd and taking credit for turning off the lights. So the feud between the two heel stables continues. WHO THE FUCK IS THE AUDIENCE SUPPOSED TO BE CHEERING FOR?!?!

Steve Rizzono vs a Monkey
So right after being part of a major heel angle as part of the Enterprise, Rizzono is facing...a man dressed as a monkey. I say this, but Kloss spends the entire bloody match yelling "Rizzono is facing a real monkey! An actual monkey from a zoo!" like an unbearable berk. This is another largely pointless match, with the monkey controlling with some weak offence before winning with a facebuster. Afterwards, Rizzono gets beaten to shit by a mysterious masked man.

Webb vs GQ Money
Webb is dressed like karate Elvis and, by virute of GQ Money being an appalling irritant, is the more sympathetic character. Money is not much of a physical threat to Webb, so sneak attacks to gain an advantage. Neither guy exactly carries themself like world championship material, but I thought Webb looked pretty decent in places. I really liked him chaining from a side-Russian legsweep into an armbar/headscissors. They don't quite click in the match, with awkward moments like Webb watching GQ position himself on the top rope and hitting a move on him, and not trying to counter it due to mistiming when he would turn around. Money misses a terrible looking spinny top rop legdrop and Webb goes to work. I liked the snap he put into a spinning uranage, before tapping GQ Money out with a rear choke. Afterwards, the Black Army cut off Money's thinning hair.

The Sandman vs Supreme
This was set up by an earlier heel promo by Sandman, proclaiming himself a big star, before Supreme challenged him to fight for the Deathmatch title. Sandman is avoiding the hardcore style, so goes to the mat with a headlock on Supreme. I've commented in the past how I liked the way Supreme built towards barbed wire spots, but here he just hurls Sandman in the first few minutes. Sandman is happy to go outside to stall, so Supreme baseball dropkicks him into some more barbed wire outside the ring in a decent spot. Sandman starts using weapons himself, setting up a bed of thumbtacks that he ends up getting slammed into himself. Supreme goes up top, but the Enterprise, all fully recovered from their very recent beatings, interfere. A sloppy looking three-man cutter onto the tacks gifts Sandman the win. Not very good.

New Jack vs Vic Grimes
Right, this match is probably the most famous in XPW history, and not for the right reasons. This is the FreeFall match, a scaffold 40ft in the air with 12 tables stacked in the ring (four tables high, three tables across) with the aim being to through your opponent from the scaffold to the ring. So the story goes, New Jack hadn't forgiven Grimes for the incident at ECW Living Dangerously 2000, which left him temporarily blinded, and plotted him revenge for this match. Of which more later...

The match itself is largely awful, just two guys hitting each other with the odd weapon shot or walking around the ring punching each other. It features a lot of my least favourite hardcore match feature, the "weapon that will make you bleed and scar you, but isn't going to win you the match". Stuff like staple guns, forks or, in this case, pizza cutters, which I'm sure would really hurt, but would mutilate the opponent rather than incapacitate him. Hate that stuff. Eventually, they stop fighting and decide to slowly climb opposite sides of the scaffold. They brawl for a bit more up there, before Jack brings out a tazer. After a few tazer shots, he throws Grimes off the balcony, sending him off course so he only just grazes one of the top tables and bounces off the top rope in a truly horrifying scene. Honestly, Grimes was very lucky not to be seriously hurt or even dead, and it's really uncomfortable to watch. In a way, the perfect metaphor for this horrific show.

3PW Three Men & A Bodybag

So, it turns out Lovefilm have a whole plethora of 3PW DVD's available for rent. I never saw any 3PW shows whilst they were a going concern, but I remember reading about their shows when they were one of the bigger Philadelphia indies alongside CZW. Because I will watch almost any wrestling, I decided to give a 3PW show a go. It's not pretty...

Christian York & Joey Matthew vs Dylan Knight & Rapid Fire Maldonado
York and Matthews stall at the start to establish they're heels. Knight looks like a portly version of the singer from My Chemical Romance in binbag trousers, so he needs all the help he can get to win the fans over. An early nice spot sees York thrown outside, before the faces avoid a Matthews charge, which sendshim through the ropes, hitting a tope onto York. York and Matthews are clearly a level ahead of opponents in both work and character, though there is a really awful spot where events lead to York giving his own partner a tombstone, a spot so contrived that it draws boos. I do dig York's range of cocky covers. York and Matthews pick up the win after Matthews grabs Knight's leg as he tried to suplex York into the ring from the apron. Not a good opener.

Robert Pigeon vs John "The Tank" Toland
You may recall Toland as one of the Dicks in the WWE. He's in way better shape than Mr Pigeon here, who looks pale and gaunt in comparison. They start with a series of armdrags, which earns a boring chant. They then work a full-nelson reversal sequence that I alone enjoy. They pick up the pace, with Toland impressively catching Pigeon in midair on a crossbody and chucking him with fallaway salm. As the match goes on, the same boorish pocket of fans continue their "boring" chant, which isn't fair as it's a perfectly decent match. Toland shows off his agility by landing on his feet on a hiptoss attempt. However, Toland misses a moonsault, and Pigeon hits an implant DDT for 3. Perfectly acceptable match with a pocket of dickheads making it less enjoyable to watch.

Chris Hero vs Colt Cabana
Fans don't seem to like Colt much. A series of armbars and counters is a bit better received than in the last match, probably because it's a fair bit better. Hero does his best to heat up the lukewarm crowd with a plancha to the floor. Sitout Soylent Green gets two for Hero. Colt fakes a top rope dive to the floor to taunt the crowd in a funny spot. You can see moments where the match is starting to click into place as it progresses, as if they were initially thrown by the negative crowd. They seem to have won them over at one point until Hero botches a roll-up and the idiots strike up again. In fact, the frustrating thing is how disjointed this match feels, as you get moments of nice, fluid action before things just seem to sputter out. Even the ending is abrupt, with Cabana winning with a top rope moonsault, earning a 3 count that seemed to come too early. Very disappointing

Gary Wolfe vs the Rockin' Rebel
Christ, this isn't the pairing to get match quality up. We've got ourselves a dog-collar match here, though Rebel is wearing some plaid as he thought it was a lumberjack match. Wolfe attacks the Rebel to put the collar on him after RR initially refuses. Rebel tries to leave, obviously forgetting about the collar round his neck, so Wolfe dominates him outside the ring. Wolfe sets up a chair for a Raven-esque droptoehold, but Rebel manages to miss it somehow, going face first to the mat. The odd thing is, this is actually kinda fun. Clearly both guys know their limitations so just go for some old fashioned brawling. However, the match ends pretty abruptly. Rebel goes to splash Wolfe through a table, only for Rapid Fire Malondado to interfere on Wolfe's behalf for reasons unknown. Wolfe then tries twice to put Rebel through a table twice, failing to break it both times before covering for the win. Despite the random interference, this is (gulp) match of the night so far, if only by default.

Billy Wiles vs the Blue Meanie
Bloody Hell! One fan in the crowd HATES Billy Wiles and spends almost all match yelling about how fat he is. They work two comedy criss-cross spots before Meanie hits the milkiest punches in the corner I've ever seen. I actually thought they were comedy punches, but no, they were just shit. Billy making sexy eyes at Jasmin St Claire at ringside might be the most entertaining thing about this match. Seriously, Meanie seems to pause before every move as if he's trying to remember how to do it. The ending (which can't come soon enough) sees Jasmin leap on the apron as Wiles takes control. Wiles drags her into the ring, then uses her as a shield as he sees Meanie recover. However, Jasmin lowblows him and stunners him right in front of the ref before Meanie hits a moonsault to win. Just garbage.

Jasmin St Claire vs Candi
This is billed on the DVD as a separate match, in fact as an evening gown match. What actually happens is Candi runs in straight after the Wiles/Meanie match to attack Jasmin (which is odd, as she was a valet for the face team in the opener). Meanie grabs her and rips her dress off (what a face!) and then Dylan Knight comes in to attack Meanie and strip Jasmin. I can feel myself getting dumber just watching this.

Public Enemy vs Christian York & Joey Matthews
Seemingly, Y&M's punishment for being the best workers on the card is that they have to pull double duty tonight. No other explanation is given. They're so brilliantly obnoxious here that you really want to see them get beaten. York in particular is especially douchey here. Fair dues to the PE here, as they seem to be trying their best to keep up with Y&M, with Rock especially putting forth a good effort. Plus, there is something purely enjoyable about watching two obnoxious jerks mocking their opponents, only to get driven to the ground by an enormous Johnny Grunge. Y&M run away, but get dragged back to ringside by a random huge man and an arena-wide brawl ensues. To be honest, I find these kind of walk-your-opponent-to-the-next-spot brawl interminably dull, but compared to the matches beforehand, it's almost refreshing, and watching big Grunge put York through a table with an elbow from a balcony...I even cheered a little. Also, because Rock is willing to bump for a lot of Y&M offence, you get the dynamic of the big veterans beating the tar out of the cocky young punks without the risk of Y&M looking bad. Back in the ring, Y&M get a bit more offence, before the PE nail the South Philly Drive-By for the win. Was this great? No. Good? Nearly. Did I enjoy it? Yes

The Sandman vs New Jack vs Sabu
This is a bodybag match with Tod Gordon as special guest referee. The match opens with New Jack attacking his opponents with staplers and forks. Then Sandman and Sabu attack each other and New Jack with staplers and forks. Great. It isn't until Sandman droptoeholds Sabu into a ladder that something interesting happens. He then suplexes Sabu onto the ladder, but New Jack comes back with that fucking stapler. Honestly, the two things I find most boring in hardcore matches is stapler spots and "grinding-a-weapon-into-a-forehead" spots and this has them in abundance. Literally 80% of New Jack's offence is stapler-related, though I do laugh when he suplexes the Sandman and proudly announces "I know a wrestling move". Jack ties Sandman to the top rope by his neck before....bringing out the fucking stapler again. It's like a bad joke at this point. Sabu puts Jack down with a chair and a chair-legdrop before putting him in a bodybag to eliminate him....at least until Jack cuts himself free with a massive blade and gets right back into the match. Sigh. Sabu knocks New Jack out with his stapler (oh cruel hand of irony) and now Jack is gone for good. Bill Alfonso comes to the ring and turns on Sabu by throwing a chair at his head. However, Gordon then gets a cane and starts wailing away on Sandman. Gordon then beats up Alfonso and my brain feels like it's dying. Sabu puts Sandman through a table...and Gordon ushers him to the back. No bodybag, nothing. What a total whack of shit.

Officially the worst show I've review for the blog. A crowning achievement for 3PW

ECW Living Dangerously 2000

Well, here it is, a day later than expected. I bought this on video in the Coventry branch of Cash Generator and it's the first ECW show I saw. Seemed like a good time to rewatch it, what with all the recent ECW nostalgia going on.

Pre-show antics see Cyrus superkicking Joel Gertner to take over colour commentary duties.

Dusty Rhodes vs Steve Corino (Bullrope Match)
More pre-match scenes see Corino insulting the Sandman's wife and kid, which ultimately leads to Rhino goring Lori Fullington through a table, which causes Sandman to miss the TV title tournament tonight. The match is a somewhat plodding affair due to the pace of the 50yr old Dusty. Corino does feed himself to Rhodes like an absolute pro, eating the bionic elbow like a champ. They brawl into the crowd, which is terrible for the home viewer as piss-poor lighting ensures nothing can be seen. Eventually they return to the ring and exchange blows with the cowbell. A second cowbell is introduced and is taped badly to Corino's head, though it barely stays in place, for a chairshot. Big Dust finishes with a Big Dusty Elbow Drop, which is probably the highlight of the match.

Danny Doring & Roadkill vs CW Anderson & Bill Wiles
The Dangerous Alliance stable in ECW always felt like a mixed bag to me. Wiles and Lou E Dangerously both felt like cheap comedy characters, while Anderson was pretty convincing as a new-age Enforcer. His Extreme Horsemen team with Simon Diamond in MLW was far more effective. Both teams feature one guy who is really good on offence in Anderson and Roadkill. Roadkill has some fun bigman offence, including a lovely Bossman Slam. Doring's offence is pretty terrible, with a sloppy Stroke and double arm DDT both looking particularly poor, while Wiles seems to have a problem getting up for his opponents moves. Luckily both are well hidden by some nice double team moves and an Elektra heel turn leads to Anderson hitting a spinebuster on Doring to win a decent match.

Kid Kash vs Mike Awesome
The match is scheduled as Kash facing Simon Diamond, but Simon wisely leaves the ring when Awesome interrupts. This is essentially as much fun as an extended big-vs-small squash can be. Awesome destroys Kash with a massive overhead suplex and hammers him outside the ring. Kash doesn't get much offence in, but what he does get in is very memorable, particularly a plancha from the top rope into the crowd. He also gets a nice rana on Awesome, but gets demolished with a clothesline and Awesomebombed from the top rope through a table for the Awesome win. Short but plenty of fun.

Nova & Chris Chetti vs Jado & Gedo
Watching this match, it's hard to reconcile Nova with Simon Dean. Essentially, this is a spotfest and not a terribly impressive one. Jado and Gedo, as the veteran team, have a few nice double team maneuvers and Chetti has a few surprisingly good suplex variations, but nothing feels coherent and one double pin sequence feels especially contrived. A top rope Tidal Wave wins it for Nova and Chetti

Little Guido vs Super Crazy
This is a semi-final match in the TV title tournament and is fought under Italian Death Match rules. They kick off at quite the fast pace. How fast? Within two minutes of the match starting, Super Crazy is moonsaulting into the crowd on Guido and Big Sal. This is pretty short, most likely to save Crazy for the tournament final later, but they cram some choice moments in. Guido reverses a moonsault from the railings into a Fujiwara armbar in a neat spot, and a Crazy rana on Big Sal is particularly impressive. They let Guido look pretty strong, kicking out of a moonsault and falling through a table but a Super Crazy brain buster ends it.

Kintaro Kanemura vs Balls Mahoney
I hope Heyman didn't pay much to fly out Kanemura, as this match is pretty pointless. It lasts barely three minutes and, though Kanemura hits a nice top rope senton, there is very little to it. Balls wins with the Nutcracker Suite, but gets jumped by Da Baldies, leading to...

New Jack vs Grimes
This match is pretty infamous and ended up having negative repercussions for New Jack. New Jack kills off Da Baldie with a series of weapons before getting jumped by Grimes. It's a pretty cookie-cutter New Jack match until they brawl to the back of the arena and both climb a ricketty looking scaffold. They cautiously fight on the scaffold, then attempt a move which ends with both men falling off, Grimes landing on the skull of Jack. This left Jack with slight brain damage and temporary loss of vision in his right eye. The match was dreadful even before this stupid moment.

Impact Players vs Tommy Dreamer & Masato Tanaka vs Raven & Mike Awesome
Triple threat elimination for the tag team titles. It starts as a real mess, with people brawling everywhere leaving it impossible to follow, though it is easy to spot Raven taking two attempts to break the edge of a table with Dreamer's face. Tanaka and Awesome renew their rivalry, with a roaring elbow taking Awesome out of the match. Things improve dramatically with just two teams, and it dawns on me how good a tag combo Tanaka and Dreamer are. Dreamer is perfect for taking a beating and eliciting sympathy, while Tanaka is a fine hot tag guy with a flurry of fun offence. Sadly, the Impact Players ruin this theory by isolating Dreamer after the hot tag and pinning him following a spike piledriver.

Rhino vs Super Crazy
Like the Guido/Crazy match from earlier, it's pretty short but full of action. They work a decent power-vs-speed match, with the highlight being an impressive press slam to the outside from Rhino. Overbooking ruins the ending however, with a cast of thousands (including Corino, Sandman, RVD, even Scott Anton) being involved which does slightly take the shine off Crazy's eventual win. It's also the main event of a show where only the opener cracked the 10 minute mark, which is pretty disappointing. Super Crazy is the absolute MVP of the show, working two fun sub-ten minute sprints with two very different opponents. The show as a whole is watchable for the main, but probably not worth much more than the £3 I paid for it