Shane Storm vs Rorschach vs Sabian vs Melvin Snodgrass vs DJ
Skittlez vs Private Eye vs Hallowicked vs Blind Rage
With the exception of Rage, Sabian and Hallowicked, this is
very much the dregs of the 2004 CHIKARA roster, thankfully all dumped into one
match so as not to infect the rest of the card. This is a Royal Rumble with 60
second intervals, with the final two facing off later in the night. There’s not
much to this, though the good thing about this format is that it means guys
like Rorschach stick to chops and punches, which they’re ok at, rather than
going through a load of moves they can’t do very well. A lot of the comedy
doesn’t work too well here, as the audience has a lot of guy in there to look
at, so only a select few actually spot the comedy bits. In a manner typical of
crappy indy rumbles, there are no eliminations until everyone gets in, then
they all go out really quickly. Hallowicked goes out second, meaning I’m
praying Sabian and Rage are the final two. In fact, those two make it to the
final 3 with DJ Skittlez, and my heart sinks on realising he’s going to make
the final. Seconds later, Sabian is dispatched and I’m left to wonder if Rage
is going to be able to carry Skittlez.
Darkness Crabtree vs Jolly Roger
The opening moments of this match are quite auspicious, as
Crabtree is sent out and just casually wanders into position for Roger to dive
on him. The problem with the Crabtree gimmick is that, because he’s played as a
barely mobile senior citizen, it makes the face look inept if they have any
struggles with him. Here, we get a proper Crabtree heat section, with Roger
having to lie on the mat for ages as Crabtree performs a slow mo people’s
elbow. I did enjoy Crabtree’s springboard butt-butt to the floor, and they pay
off Crabtree’s crabwalk diving headbutt with Roger reversing a second try into
a (admittedly crappy) diving stunner. Roger hits Walk The Plank to win.
Murat Bosporus vs Chris Hero
Having two guys like this in the next match feels like a
breath of fresh air. This opens with some really fun counter chain wrestling,
both guys looking really comfortable doing it. Bosporus shows surprising
agility for a squat, stocky guy, cartwheeling out of wristlocks. Bosporus shows
the first signs of frustration, using forearms to the face when he can’t counter
out of a wristlock, positioning him as the heel. The next section of the match
sees them both finding a body part to work over, Bosporus focusing on Hero’s
back with a series of backbreakers and slams, whilst Hero keeps his focus on
the left arm. Loved Hero selling his back pain by pausing momentarily before
running the ropes, a hesitation that gives Bosporus time to prepare and send
him over the top to the floor. I liked Hero climbing to the top rope with
Bosporus’ arm and dropping down with a twisting hammerlock, which he also sells
as hurting his back. Taking the risk in order to hurt Bosporus more. The end
was pretty choice, with Hero hitting Hero’s Welcome, with the left arm trapped
in a hammerlock, and chaining to the Hangman’s Clutch to win. This was real
good.
DJ Skittlez vs Blind Rage
So could Rage carry Skittlez to something watchable? Against
all odds, the answer is yes. The trick seems to have been to just keep it
simple. At first Rage is on the defensive, taking some big bumps to make Skittlez
offence look good. The height Rage gets from a backbodydrop is impressive to
behold. Rage manages to hit a dragon screw from nowhere, and from there he
focuses his attention to Skittlez’s leg. Rage works it over in an entertaining
manner, including a nice low dropkick that sends Skittlez faceplanting onto the
mat. Skittlez doesn’t blow any moves on his comeback either, with a spinning
slam looking good. At one point, he goes for the Rainbow Bomb from the top, and
I thought they’d blown it as it looked more like Rage had given him a bulldog –
only to realise that he HAD given Skittlez a bulldog, and it was actually a
nice reversal. Rage locks in the STF and gets the win. Perfectly fine match.
Post match, Rage cuts a promo to announce his retirement.
Hallowicked & Ultramantis Black vs Mr Zero & Shane
Storm
Have to give props to the surprisingly fluid faux-lucha
sequence at the start with Black and Storm, looked really good. Zero is fired
up to take on his former partner Black, who decides to hide away from tagging
in. Given this story, it’s therefore a bit odd when they throw in a bit of
awkward comedy (Storm holding up his stop sign to freeze the heels in place) to
undermine it. The heels work the heat on Storm, showing some nice teamwork.
Zero gets the hot tag, finally getting his hands on Black, but his offence
feels a bit lacking, doesn’t seem to be as fired up as you would assume. They
start brawling in the crowd and into the toilets, and it all becomes a bit of a
mess. Things just break down and don’t look very good. There’s a really nice
spot where Zero hits a sitout facebuster onto Storm’s sign (taken with gusto by
Ultramantis) that feels like it should finish, but Hallowicked saves.
Hallowicked hits a Yakuza kick on Storm to win. Underwhelming match, feels like
they could all do better.
Mike Quackenbush, Icarus & Gran Akuma vs Jigsaw &
the Wildcards
So, the stipulations for this dictate that whoever eats the
pin or submits is punished. For the faces, Quack loses his 6 titles to whomever
pins him, Icarus shaves his head and Akuma loses his mask. For the heels,
Jigsaw loses his mask and both Wildcards will get their heads shaved. On top of
this, if the heels lose, CHIKARA commissioner Cavalier Jones is fired from the
company. This is also fought under lucha rules. Got all that? Cool
This goes nearly 40 minutes, and I will say it kept my
attention for the entire run. I did have some issues with the match structure,
but the action was crisp throughout and everything looked good. I loved Quack throughout
this, he’s really a joy to watch in CHIKARA and here he showed a more vicious
side than usual – at one point he blasts Blackjack Marciano flush in the face
with a kick whilst BJM is in a Camel Clutch. Eddie Kingston is also terrific
here – he’s a shit-talking, stooging heel who can turn it on offensively and
the switch doesn’t look awkward. At one point here he’s blitzing Akuma with
crossfaces, ripping at his mask and lacing in penalty kicks to the back. I
think everyone here looked good, but there were issues with the match. Firstly,
for an important match with so much at stake, there were still a few too many
cutesy comedy bits, like a 6 way headlock or a sequence where the heels end up
being dropped into each other’s balls and sitting on each other’s faces.
Secondly, and more distractingly, the faces dominate the vast majority of the
bout, to the point it just feels inevitable that they’ll win. For ages, the
heels are bumbling around, unable to gain any traction whilst the faces
outsmart them and make them look like idiots. Marciano suffers to most
indignity, as his moves are easily reversed, he eats several low blows and
loudly yelps like a buffoon as he gets schooled again and again. When the heels
finally get to work a short heat section, it’s wisely on Akuma, a man who has
been demasked in previous shows and therefore is the most likely to lose on his
team. Things predictably breakdown towards the end, with a few nice little story
touches. Most interestingly, the Wildcards fall out with Jigsaw after
preventing him pinning Quack after a Jig N Tonic, presumably because they want
to win Quacks titles. This leads to Jigsaw walking out, and in the end this
costs the Wildcards. Akuma reverse Kingston’s Kondo Clutch to one of his own,
Icarus spears BJM from the ring and, with no partner left, Kingston is forced
to submit. For all my complaints, this is a fitting pay off for the Wildcards
reign of terror and the head shaving is a really fun moment.
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