War Machine #1 vs Tower of Doom
Tower of Doom is a big lad, but he’s managed to dress in a
way that makes him look totally unthreatening, with a big baggy black t-shirt
and shorts. Everything feels like it’s at 2/3 speed, with strikes being thrown
slowly. War Machine barely gets ToD up on a back suplex before hitting the
worst side Russian legsweep I’ve ever seen. ToD at least has a nice elbow drop,
full weight. ToD gets the win after War Machine helpfully jumps into a sky high
powerbomb.
Kip Morris vs Mike Simpleton
Simpleton is a fat guy in a black t-shirt and a generic
mask. Morris amusingly has “Winner” and “I’m Winning” emblazoned on his tights.
This is utterly shit though. Morris controls with some plodding generic
offence, apart from the amusing moment he suplexes Simpleton, who lands on top
of him. Simpleton is really bad, he can’t even get thrown from the ring without
getting embarrassingly caught up in the ropes. A side slam looks terrible as
Simpleton basically slips from Morris’s grasp. In the end, Simpleton misses a
corner splash, gets tripped and Morris gets the win. So bad.
War Machine #2 vs Chris Kidd
This was better. Not perfect, as War Machine really
struggled to get Kidd over for a suplex, but some of Kidd’s offence looked
decent. Nice leaping clothesline, good spinebuster, perfectly decent execution.
War Machine BARELY gets Kidd up for a powerbomb that looked really dangerous,
but gets distracted by #1 at ringside, and Kidd rolls him up for three.
Mad Man Pondo vs Ox Harley
Hark at young Pondo coming out with long hair and a Superman
shirt, looks very different to the man he’d later become. There’s lots of mic
work to start this, and the sound quality isn’t great. Pondo kicks us off with
some really shitty armdrags. Harley looks better, nice kicks to the face and a
decent clothesline. Pondo does some token legwork but eats a DDT on the floor
and a Harley moonsault wins it. Nothing much to this.
Ian Rotten vs Tarek the Great
This is a big step up in match quality. They both look super
comfortable working the mat, with the strange image of a fat scarred-up
hillbilly and a skinny, balding man going through really neat exchanges on a
tatty piece of shit mat. They up the tempo, with Rotten hitting a neat Full
Nelson suplex and a really nice top rope rana by Tarek. Tarek does a few moves
you really wouldn’t expect, a top rope twisting corkscrew and a nice moonsault
press both get two. However, he ducks his head and Rotten hits a huge implant
DDT for the win. This was really neat.
Bull Pain vs Justin St John
This was also fun, though Pain never really looked like
losing. Pain just beats St John down, but St John does look capable, getting a
few nice takedowns. Pain hits a DDT that looks great and, after St John hits a
shitty leaping elbow into the corner, Pain swiftly puts him away with a
neckbreaker and a top rope splash. Short but effective.
Kip Morris vs Tower of Doom
Into the second round now. ToD looks better in this match,
hitting a nice running clothesline and a big legdrop. However, he’s got really
lazy covers, barely leaning on top of Morris. Morris takes control on the
floor, ramming Doom into the ringpost, hitting his head on the floor and
nailing a nice short elbow to the head. ToD is soon bleeding, but hits a killer
piledriver that really should have been the finish. ToD sells being too exhausted
to cover, so at least there was no kickout. Like in the opener, ToD gets the win
after his opponent helpfully leaps into a sit out powerbomb.
Ox Harley vs Chris Kidd
Another very short match, Harley mainly hits punches to
control, with a chop to the face looking hilariously nasty. Kidd’s offence is
pretty generic, but he too throws some nice punches, so this is at least
watchable. Kidd hits a powerslam but misses a moonsault, allowing Harley to hit
a reverse DDT and hit a moonsault for the win.
Ian Rotten vs Bull Pain
This starts off awesomely, as Pain throws Rotten to the
floor and hits an insane suicide dive for the win. He follows this with a
pedigree on the concrete, and I’m totally into this already. But then, we get
disaster. The ringside camera seemingly stops working, leaving us with just the
hard-cam, and at one point a member of production crew stands in front of it
for at least a minute. They’re brawling in the crowd, and it’s impossible to
see what’s going on. Ian hits a cannonball from the apron which looks great. We
miss more floor brawling, before Pain gets him back in and hits a top rope
splash for two. Ian hits his DDT, but is unable to cover and eats an RKO for
the Pain victory. I really wish we’d been able to see all this, was hard to
really enjoy.
Tower of Doom vs Bull Pain vs Ox Harley
Triple threat elimination for the title here. I liked how
there was a constantly switching series of allegiances, with one person getting
double teamed at all times. There’s a lovely big double chokeslam on ToD early
doors, and we get a few nice spots. Really like Pain and ToD teaming to hit a
Hart Attack into a sitout powerbomb, which eliminates Harley. It gets a bit
dull from that point, felt like just two guys exchanging moves having used up
their inspiration in the previous bouts. ToD hits two powerbombs without going
for covers, and some Ian Rotten interference allows him to hit a big legdrop on
Pain for the win. Really felt like everyone going through the motion.
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