XPW FreeFall

Sometimes, I hate wrestling

Scott Snot vs Vinny Massaro
Ever wanted to hear a joke beaten into the ground? At the start of this match, commentator Kriss Kloss doesn't know who Massaro is, so only refers to him as "Spagettios" for the whole match, despite his name being announced by the ring announcer. This isn't very good, as Snot is pretty poor. A poor bump off a Massaro kick sees him getting booed, and his offence is weak, including a soft looking bulldog. Massaro is better, with non-flashy, but effective moves, and he nicely folds up Snot on a belly-to-back suplex. Snot gets 2 on a Tomikaze, but Massaro picks up the win with a swank pump handle pile driver.

Evan Karagias vs Psychosis
Karagias is brought out as the new client of heel manager Kevin Kleinrock as his other client, the prissy Preston Ascott III is injured. Despite this, Karagias wrestles like a face, hitting a plancha after Psychosis bails to the floor, whilst Psychosis wrestles like a heel, hitting a low blow to take over, then picking up Karagias at 2 on a pin. Baffling. They then switch rolls, with Karagias doing a sexy dance to rile the crowd. Decent German suplex by Karagias. This is pretty sloppy on the part of both however, they just don't seem to be in tune. Nutty bump from Psychosis, as he slingshots from the ring to the floor with an elbow drop. The end sees Kleinrock distract Karagias by offering him a chair as he goes to the top. This allows Psychosis to recover and throw him from the top, before hitting a top rope legdrop to win. A bit of a letdown, as I hoped Psychosis could get something out of Karagias.

D vs Pogo the Clown
D comes to the ring slapping hands with the fans...then cuts a promo slagging them off, as no-one in XPW fucking understands heels and faces in wrestling. Kriss Kloss seems shocked by the wrestling "skills" of Pogo, as he throws some shitty armdrags. Despite Pogo's ineptness, this turns into a presentable big-vs-little match, as all Pogo has to do is stand there whilst the more able D throws himself at the clumsy clown. Pogo is in control following a missed D splash, before the ring gets surrounded by a group of unknown guys. Pogo and D both wield chairs to protect themselves, before D "shockingly" turns on the man he's just been fighting. This is all set up for an invasion storyline with D's old SCCW promotion. Of course, Kloss being the worst commentator ever puts over the threat of this new union by referring to them as jobbers and backyarders. Match was watchable, almost solely due to D.

Kaos vs Angel
Kaos is defending his TV title here in a gauntlet, and is accompanied by his stablemates GQ Money and Veronica Caine of the Enterprise. Despite a little hesitancy between both guys, this is worked at a good pace and is a decent little match. A crossbody to the floor by Angel is particularly good before Kaos wins with a piledriver from a powerbomb position. What is less good is that Angel's "hardcore homo" gimmick allows Kloss to crack "hilarious" gay jokes on commentary.

Kaos vs Chris Hamrick
In a terrible display of booking, the heel is at a disadvantage due to having just wrestled. Hamrick uses his veteran skills and freshness to dominate before a trademark bump through the ropes. He then takes another, more nuts bump by flipping backfirst onto the floor when dropkicked off the apron. Kaos wisely works over the back by whipping Hamrick into the railings, but Hamrick recovers and in a big spot hits a Van Terminator across the ring to dropkick a chair into the face of Kaos, who is still on the floor outside. Hamrick is doing everything he can to make this match memorable. The top rope legdrop only gets two. GQ Money takes advantage of a ref distraction to knock Hamrick off the top rope, and Kaos nails a top rope gourdbuster for the win. Easily the most entertaining match of the card thus far.

Kaos vs NOSAWA
NOSAWA schools the exhausted Kaos for a bit, before Kaos decides to totally non-sell his previous matches, and bounds around the ring, springboarding hither and thither. This match is an utter mess, with outside interference and belt shots in front of the ref, who seemingly couldn't care less. Kaos gets a blockbuster to win this gauntlet.

Juventud Guerrera vs Mosco De La Merced
This match is set up by Juvi turning on his La Familia stablemates (Psychosis, Halloween, Damien 666 and Merced) to join Rob Black's Black Army faction. This is all Juvi early on, even getting the highspot with a big plancha. The face Merced does get his own spot to shine, with a nutty diving swanton to the floor. Juvi nails two powerbombs and a weak chairshot, but these two don't seem to be clicking. A swift Juvi Driver ends a total squash.

Veronica Caine vs Lizzy Borden
Fuck me, Kloss makes the WORST fucking noises every time he sees a woman, making groaning noises like a confused virgin. This is a buck naked lumberjack paddle match, with the aim being to strip your opponent totally naked. Both are heels, accompanied by heel stables at ringside (the Black Army for Borden, the Enterprise for Caine). Rob Black bans the Enterprise from ringside, before we get to this appalling match. Weak wrestling starts off before it devolves to it's natural state as a catfight. The bout clearly only exists for titilation, with the crowd knowing that Black being a pornographer means there is a very good chance of actually seeing someone naked. But no, as Borden is about to remove Caine's top, the lights go out to a big groan from the crowd and they come back on to find Caine gone. Terrible booking. Afterwards, GQ Money cuts a promo lambasting the crowd and taking credit for turning off the lights. So the feud between the two heel stables continues. WHO THE FUCK IS THE AUDIENCE SUPPOSED TO BE CHEERING FOR?!?!

Steve Rizzono vs a Monkey
So right after being part of a major heel angle as part of the Enterprise, Rizzono is facing...a man dressed as a monkey. I say this, but Kloss spends the entire bloody match yelling "Rizzono is facing a real monkey! An actual monkey from a zoo!" like an unbearable berk. This is another largely pointless match, with the monkey controlling with some weak offence before winning with a facebuster. Afterwards, Rizzono gets beaten to shit by a mysterious masked man.

Webb vs GQ Money
Webb is dressed like karate Elvis and, by virute of GQ Money being an appalling irritant, is the more sympathetic character. Money is not much of a physical threat to Webb, so sneak attacks to gain an advantage. Neither guy exactly carries themself like world championship material, but I thought Webb looked pretty decent in places. I really liked him chaining from a side-Russian legsweep into an armbar/headscissors. They don't quite click in the match, with awkward moments like Webb watching GQ position himself on the top rope and hitting a move on him, and not trying to counter it due to mistiming when he would turn around. Money misses a terrible looking spinny top rop legdrop and Webb goes to work. I liked the snap he put into a spinning uranage, before tapping GQ Money out with a rear choke. Afterwards, the Black Army cut off Money's thinning hair.

The Sandman vs Supreme
This was set up by an earlier heel promo by Sandman, proclaiming himself a big star, before Supreme challenged him to fight for the Deathmatch title. Sandman is avoiding the hardcore style, so goes to the mat with a headlock on Supreme. I've commented in the past how I liked the way Supreme built towards barbed wire spots, but here he just hurls Sandman in the first few minutes. Sandman is happy to go outside to stall, so Supreme baseball dropkicks him into some more barbed wire outside the ring in a decent spot. Sandman starts using weapons himself, setting up a bed of thumbtacks that he ends up getting slammed into himself. Supreme goes up top, but the Enterprise, all fully recovered from their very recent beatings, interfere. A sloppy looking three-man cutter onto the tacks gifts Sandman the win. Not very good.

New Jack vs Vic Grimes
Right, this match is probably the most famous in XPW history, and not for the right reasons. This is the FreeFall match, a scaffold 40ft in the air with 12 tables stacked in the ring (four tables high, three tables across) with the aim being to through your opponent from the scaffold to the ring. So the story goes, New Jack hadn't forgiven Grimes for the incident at ECW Living Dangerously 2000, which left him temporarily blinded, and plotted him revenge for this match. Of which more later...

The match itself is largely awful, just two guys hitting each other with the odd weapon shot or walking around the ring punching each other. It features a lot of my least favourite hardcore match feature, the "weapon that will make you bleed and scar you, but isn't going to win you the match". Stuff like staple guns, forks or, in this case, pizza cutters, which I'm sure would really hurt, but would mutilate the opponent rather than incapacitate him. Hate that stuff. Eventually, they stop fighting and decide to slowly climb opposite sides of the scaffold. They brawl for a bit more up there, before Jack brings out a tazer. After a few tazer shots, he throws Grimes off the balcony, sending him off course so he only just grazes one of the top tables and bounces off the top rope in a truly horrifying scene. Honestly, Grimes was very lucky not to be seriously hurt or even dead, and it's really uncomfortable to watch. In a way, the perfect metaphor for this horrific show.