ECW December To Dismember 2006

So, for just £3 second-hand, I got the pay-per view that killed the ECW PPV dream for good. Is it as bad as people claim?

The Hardy Boys vs MNM

Well, at least they went for a hot opener. Both teams are reforming for “one night only” here, though they’d open the Rumble the following month. The match sees the Hardys dominate at first, until some Melina interference gives MNM an opening. They work over Matt with a nice series of double teams, and even get Melina to give him a headscissors on the apron. Matt goes for the hot tag after reversing a double suplex into a double neckbreaker, but MNM attack Jeff on the apron to prevent the tag. I loved the way that the heels cockily imitate the Hardys by hitting Poetry In Motion and attempting the Twist of Fate/Swanton combo. However, this backfires when Matt blocks the TOF and gets the hot tag to Jeff. We get treated to a nice dive sequence, the highlight of which is Nitro hurling himself with reckless abandon over the top rope. The Hardys got for the TOF/Swanton combo, but Nitro pulls Mercury out of harms way, and Jeff is soon the face-in-peril. MNM use some strong plays from the heel handbook, using blind tags and assaults on Matt to keep their control over Jeff. Melina even responds viciously to “crackwhore” chants by punting Jeff in the ribs. Jeff makes the hot tag and all Hell breaks loose. Even Melina takes one for the team, getting accidentally dropkicked off the apron by Nitro. MNM hit the Snapshot for two,

Matt Striker vs Balls Mahoney

Striker promises to make this an Extreme Rules match...”an Extreme enforcement of the rules”. Brilliant. Striker has a picture of his face on the seat of his trunks and we’re treated to way too many close-ups of this. Balls locks Striker in a cross-armbreaker early to show he can go on the mat with him, so Striker resorts to a cheap shot, before Balls hits the ringpost on a shoulder-charge. Striker does a pretty good job working over the arm with some fun offence, including a pretty swank roll-through into a Fujiwara armbar. Honestly, this is a pretty decent match, with Balls doing a good selling job and Striker perfectly fine as a smarmy heel. Balls hits some powermoves using only his good arm, before hitting a sitout spinebuster for 3. Enjoyed this a lot.

Elijah Burke & Sylvester Terkay vs the FBI

This is pretty much a squash match, though the FBI do get to briefly look good. The main aim is to get Terkay over as a monster, which he does by manhandling the FBI, throwing Guido over the top rope onto Mamaluke. The FBI try to use their speed advantage, downing Terkay by dropkicking his legs, but Burke hits the Stroke on Mamaluke for an easy win.

Daivari vs Tommy Dreamer

Like the most disappointing Heat main event ever. Daivari bumps about for Dreamer early doors, especially when taking a throw to the barricades. Khali interferes to help, but gets caught by the ref and thrown out. Daivari cranks up the crowd with a lengthy chinlock, then a second when Dreamer breaks free. Dreamer fights back again, but Daivari blocks the DDT and rolls him up for 3. Not a PPV encounter.

 

Mike Knox & Kelly Kelly vs Kevin Thorn & Ariel

This actually starts off pretty well, with Knox and Thorn just wailing on each other. The crowd is dead, despite both men nailing awesome clotheslines. Knox makes a mistake by chinlocking Thorn however, as this kills the crowd even more. At least with the lengthy Daivari chinlocks you could argue that it encouraged fans to cheer for Dreamer. This is a heel v heel encounter. The girls get tagged in and somehow this gets even worse, as Kelly is at her dirt worst here. Ariel dominates, but Kelly fires back and goes for the hot-tag, only for Knox to leave her to her fate. Ariel uses some choke-STO to win. Pretty horrible.

 

The Big Show vs Test vs CM Punk vs Hardcore Holly vs Rob Van Dam vs Bobby Lashley

This is an extreme elimination chamber match for the ECW title. The “extreme” comes from the fact that there are weapons inside the pods. I should highlight here how big Test was at this point. The man looks like a fucking tank. I should also highlight this match is terrible. There are so many factors stopping it from being good. I’m not even talking about the decision to replace the advertised Sabu (who incidentally is still on the DVD case) with Hardcore Holly, as I would rather watch Holly at this time. It’s just horribly booked with massive logic gaps. For instance, the heel trio of Show, Test and Holly are quite clearly in cahoots. They applaud each other when they enter the ring and all three are henchmen of Paul Heyman. Logically, therefore, you’d assume the faces would also try and collaborate. You’d be wrong. When Punk is released from his pod to join RVD and Holly, he goes pretty much directly after Van Dam. Even when Test gets in and starts choking RVD with a crowbar, Punk and RVD seem to get paired off. This eventually leads to RVD hitting the Five Star on Punk to eliminate him. This leaves him with Test and Holly. Luckily for RVD, Test turns on Holly and boots him in the head to eliminate him (and they manage to blow this pinfall, with the ref only counting two, but Holly still leaving anyway). But there is no way RVD could have predicted that, he was instead happily leaving himself open to a 2-on-1 situation.

The next problem is that the match is clearly booked to get Lashley over. However, the fans simply don’t want that. So when Test pins RVD following an awesome elbow from the top of a pod onto RVD’s chair-coated face, the fans are left with three men (Test, Show, Lashley) they don’t really like. Even more stupid, Test pins RVD with time to spare before Lashley is released, leaving 30 seconds of deadtime. This gets even longer as Heyman’s masked goons try to stop Lashley getting in (and I’ve no idea how long they were intending on leaving him in his pod for). Then, after Lashley pins Test following a spear, he’s left alone for 1.15 until Show is let loose. This non-action isn’t winning the fans over, as they start chanting for a refund. Even the weapons can’t save this match, as no-one really thinks Big Show will get to wallop Lashley with a barbed-wire baseball bat, rendering it pointless. Some of the action is decent (That top of pod Test elbow, the entire Punk section which re-energised the match), but by the time Lashley wins the ECW title by spearing Show, the crowd is pissed off, bored and ready to go. To be honest, by that point so was I. Dreadful main event.